Our board is meeting Monday evening August 31st, returning after having their scheduled month of July break.  We are blessed to have community leaders who are willing to dedicate their time to giving oversite to the vision, goals and finances of the Mission.

This month we’ll be catching up the board on the progress of a number of our projects.  This past spring we launch two excited new programs that are already paying dividends for our Mission.  The first is our Volunteer Program.  Led by Juliet Lee and Kathy Austin, this program is designed to make volunteering easier and rewarding for each volunteer.  We’ll be updating the board on it’s progress and on steps to come.

We’ll also be talking about our Alumni Program and our enhanced efforts to make sure that graduates of the New Life Program continue to succeed when the move back into their life outside the mission.  Marlene Hamilton leads this program.

In addition we’ll be talking with the board about our Colonial Sq. partnership with Boston Capital and the future of the great affordable housing complex.

We’ll also be working on planning a Board Advance (we advance, we don’t retreat) for this fall to cover issues of board governance and Mission branding.

DC

One of the trickest issues people are struggling with these days is their work/life balance.  Having been a avid reader for many years I know that many generations have struggled with these issues but our current economic and business climate has created an even greater sense of urgency and desperation for people to succeed at work.  This has led to even crazier work schedules and demands from work that employees do more work with less staff.

Recently I spoke with a friend who works in accounting for a Fortune 500 company was regaling me with his story of how his department had lost 2/3’s of it’s staff and yet was doing more work than ever.  It was creating very real stress in his life.  His story is not unique as some people have to work two jobs or take on extra responsiblities to make ends meet.

Here at the Tacoma Rescue Mission we are under such constant pressure as well.  With a never ending stream of clients in desperate circumstances, all of the people we are called to serve are in crisis.  And we’re supposed to go home and shut it off?

All this leads us to wonder how we can succeed at work and still have time for the stuff that matters most deeply to us – our relationships with family and friends.

While it is not easy, there are things you can do to have a better work/life balance.  Here are a few things that have helped me balance my role as CEO, Father of two busy young men, husband and friend.

1.  Realize that not everything takes 8 hr segments.  Work is one of those activities that requires large segments of time for most of us.  Many people are assigned to a task that is location specific (a cubicle, desk, answering phones, etc.) and there is now way to do that task in less than the assigned task.  Others are flexible as to the location, but the overwhelming tasks that face them ensure that the time segment needed will be large.  This leads us to assume that ALL important things require 8 hrs., but that’s not true.  Refreshment can come by doing activities that use much shorter chunks of time but offer a physical or psychological shift from the norm such that it creates a renewed energy in you.  Activities like exercising, reading, calling a friend, watching a show, going to church, or running down to Starbucks.  But it’s more than that- most relationships, even critically important ones, don’t require huge chunks of time on a daily basis to be healthy and rewarding.  We do the math in our head, 8 hrs at work, 8hrs. with the kids, time with my spouse…How can I do it all?  Relax, in most cases even your most loving relationships don’t require huge chunks of time.  Your kids, even your beloved friends, don’t really expect or need you to be there ALL the time.  What they do need is for you to make them a cherished and prioritized part of your life and to be ENGAGED when you are there.  Relieving yourself of the false assumption that you must be all places at all times will help you build a more sustainable balance.

2.  Plan for SEASONS in your life.  Here at the Tacoma Rescue Mission we plan our work in seasons.  I encourage all of our staff to look at summer as a time to refresh and get their systems ready for our PRIMETIME season, which is our Sept-Jan. stretch.  These fall and winter months are a time of pressing to meet the incredible demands and needs that we will face during those months.  You might be saying, “that’s nice, but my business doesn’t have natural breaks”.  Neither does ours.  Statistically speaking, we feed and house nearly as many people in June and July as we do in November and December.  But that’s what makes this point even more important.  In businesses where you don’t get natural seasons of rest, you must PLAN a season of refreshment.  It’s up to you.  Members of the Mission team who refuse to take a step back to refresh and get perspective because “people need me” will ultimately end up burning out and dropping out.  They won’t be able to help those “people who need me” because they will be emotionally and physcially fried.  It’s a trap and one we all need to avoid.  Make a plan to be refreshed.

3.  Prioritize and Cut out Low Priority Responsibilities.  In busy times like these you can drive yourself to an early grave trying to keep up with responsibilities that you have accumulated over time.   Not everything is priority #1.  Is there something you are doing that you just need to hand off?  Perhaps because it’s someone else’s #1 priority you’ve accepted it as something you must do, but when you do a tough analysis it’s just not critical to your priorities.  It’s like doing an assignment at school only to find out that it’s not part of your grade.  In my life, there are only a few things which I will be graded on: my relationship with the Lord, the strength of my marriage, my role as a father, my relationship with my loved ones (friends and family) and the effectiveness that I guide the organization I have been given stewardship over.  (in that order)  All the other stuff is extra.

There are probably lots of other things I could encourage you in maintaining work/life balance.  This is a work in progress for us all and none of us is perfect in this. Add your own comments and tips to help me and others.

DC

Murdock Charitable Trust, a foundation started by Jack Murdock, has awarded $350,000 to the Adams Sq. Family Center project of the Tacoma Rescue Mission.

We are so grateful to Dave Coleman and the board of the Trust for their faith in the Mission and their desire to help homeless families build healthy, sustainable lives.

This brings the total raised to nearly $9.7 MIllion dollars. Check out other blogs about Adams Sq. HERE.

In other news, final contracts with the State and Pierce County have been executed and this clears the way for construction to begin sometime this week.

DC

Living in the big, bad, tough business world these days it’s likely you get a bit jaded every once in a while, thinking all the world is beyond help and that there is nothing to get excited about.  But that’s not true, there are lots of bright spots of victory, blessing and overcoming- you just have to know where to look for it.

Don’t give up on being part of the solution, finding simple ways to bless someone’s day is easier than you think

The other day I was chasing my dog Lily (she escapes often) when I ran past three little girls selling lemonade.  The girls quickly gave chase with me and captured Lily on my behalf.  In gratitude I said to them, “How much is your lemonade?”  A sweet little blond girl about the age of 6 replied, “50 cents Mister”.  Well, she was just too cute.  She even slurred her words so that ‘Mister’ sounded like “Mistuh”.  I was sold.  Unfortuantely I didn’t have any money on me so I told the girls I would return shortly.  And this is where the fun began.

As I walked away I could hear the girls talking loudly to themselves, “He’s coming back, he’s coming back!”  They shrieked.  I couldn’t help but laugh, but it meant so much to them that I just knew I couldn’t forget to go back to get that lemonade.

Running home I quickly closed my wayward puppy in the house and grabbed a dollar.  As I walked back to the lemonade stand the girls noticed me coming from a block away and were so excited that I could hear them clearly yelling, “He’s coming, he’s coming, get ready.”  It was the funniest, cutest thing you’ve ever seen.  I wish I’d of had $10 to give them.  One girl was the banker, one girl was in charge of ice and one little girl seemed to be the spokesman of the group.  ”You’re lucky Mister, you’re our last customer of the day” she said to me.

I laughed about those sweet, excited girls all night and even as I write this I am smiling because of the sheer energy, enthusiasm, and excitement they had about having a customer.  They definately made my day and I’d like to think I made their day too.  I had no interest in lemonade, I was playing along in their little game and it felt great.

Somewhere along the line we loose our enthusiasm for our customers, clients, and much else.  But if you seek to find simple ways to bless others you can find joy.  By putting aside your big, grow up problems and gearing up your imagination you can find fun, blessing and refreshment.

DC

While celebrating the Family Life and New Life graduations this past weekend I was reflecting on how important it is to celebrate recovery and the progress that we are making together in building happy families and healthy people.  If our goal is Life Transformation, and it is our goal, then we occasionally need to take the take to have a party to celebrate the changes we are making.

Graduation is for the GRADUATE: I believe that the graduation ceremony should be a blessing to the graduate.  They have worked so hard, sacrificed so much, and come so far that it is only fitting that we have a giant party to celebrate the progress.  When you are in the midst of the battle, it is so easy to forget that their is a reward awaiting you.  Especially in recovery, when there is no finish line, it’s a day by day battle.  That’s why it’s so important to take the time to reward progress.

Graduation is for the TEAM: It was such a blessing to hear the testimonies of the families and individuals who have been blessed by the work of the Tacoma Rescue Mission.  If I could magically transport all the people who had a part in the success of the Mission to a graduation I would do it!  So many are missing out on the blessing of knowing that their work, resources, time and effort is bearing wonderful fruit of a transformed life.

Graduation is for Warrior still in Battle:  I know that there are many people sitting at the graduation who are still working their program at Tyler Sq. or the New Life Program and they are gaining a picture of the future while they see their friends graduation.  You could be up there one day!  You could be celebrating completing something really special and starting a new life!  I know it’s not easy, but don’t give up, imagine yourself standing on the podium accepting that trophy and knowing that you have made a HUGE step forward in your life.

It was so great to see the hundreds of people who took the time to celebrate with us this past Friday, I hope those of you who have not yet attended a graduation will make a point to attend one soon.

DC

When I run across a great book I love to pass on it’s goodness to my friends. In this spirit I asked Danielle Hart, a Mission Volunteer and recently married seminary student, to give her review of the book HOW WE LOVE by MIlan and Kay Yerkovich. So many people have challenges in their relationships, we need all the great resources we can get. Thanks to Danielle for the recommendation and review. DC

Have you ever noticed how the beginning of almost any relationship is perfect? That woman you met at the department store just connects with you like nobody has before, and soon they’re your new best friend. Or that man you ran into while buying groceries is wonderful. Nobody has ever made you feel like that before, and before you know it, you’re married and thinking you found the perfect husband. This relational bliss can go on for months, but the inevitable pitfalls always come. Maybe they aren’t quite as nice as you thought. Maybe they don’t quite connect with you like they used to. Maybe you feel like you are walking on eggshells with the person you used to be head over heels in love with. We’ve all been through it. The perfect relationship isn’t so perfect anymore, and we start to see destructive patterns form. No matter what we do, we can’t seem to change them. We get into the same arguments over and over again.

The book “How We Love” by Milan & Kay Yerkovich helps us understand that the way we love in our relationships and marriages began developing in childhood. The environment we grew up in, our childhood experiences, and how we were raised all combined to produce what’s called a “love style.” This love style permeates all of our relationships and how we interact with people, especially those that are closest to us, such as our spouse. There are 6 love styles; one is healthy, 5 are destructive. “How We Love” delves into each love style, covering the childhood environments that produce each love style, the adult manifestations and difficulties of each style, and finally, solutions and principles that can give you hope for your marriage and relationships. It comes with a workbook to really work through each style and to help you grow and change your style to a healthier one.

The following are the 6 different love styles; the characteristics of each and the environments that could produce each style.

1. The Secure Connector
Home Environment
• Has had needs recognized and cared for consistently
• Learned how to trust their parents, and depend on relationships for security
• Learned how to share feelings and recognize those of others
• Learned patience and respect
• Were allowed to feel a wide range of emotion & how to deal with them appropriately
• Learned how to be both dependent and independent
• Learned how to say no, to take risks, to ask for help, compromise, and apologizing

As Adults
• Allows two people to connect on a deep level
• Able to give and receive love and comfort; able to depend on each other
• They can express their feelings without fear

2. The Avoider
Home Environment
• Parents ignored or weren’t tuned into children’s feelings
• Weren’t taught to feel a wide range of emotions, or how to deal with them
• Children became independent; to hold back feelings and not depend on others
• They learned to be recognized for achievements and performance.

As Adults
• Feel a limited range of emotion; even tempered, don’t desire emotional connection
• Never ask for comfort and never want to talk about anything dealing with emotion
• They need their space and receive comfort from physical activity or shopping, etc.
• Tend to figure things out on their own, never asking for help
• They don’t cry or feel sad

3. The Vacillator
Home Environment
• Experienced times of abandonment growing up
• Sometimes parents would connect, but not consistently
• Children become aware of others’ emotions and adjust behavior accordingly
• They had enough connection to want more, and get frustrated when they don’t get it
• Child may feel anxious when a parent is absent and angry at their return

As Adults
• They want connection, love and attention
• Have intense new relationships, believing intimacy is just around the corner
• Reality comes and their expectations aren’t met, they are hurt and angry
• They want their mate, but then push them away because of unmet expectations
• Experience a lot of anxiety, believing all others will abandon them at some point
• Feel unwanted or afraid when they are disappointed and my end relationships
• Rarely see themselves as the problem
• Seem to want more out of relationships than others & need to feel special, all the time

4. The Pleaser
Home Environment
• May have had overprotective parents who worried all the time, causing child anxiety
• This parent may discourage child from taking risks & rescue child from trouble
• Learn they always need help and don’t learn how to deal with emotion
• May have had critical or harsh parents causing child to avoid criticism at all costs
• Find relief for anxiety by making others happy
• There could have been separation from illness, death, addictions, or abuse
• Experienced a form of abandonment

As Adults
• When space or tension occurs, they try to close the gap by making the other person happy again
• There is a lot of worry behind the stress
• When a partner wants alone time, may feel anxious or rejected
• Need someone to take care of & avoid decision making
• Depend on encouragement and reassurance and praise
• Ignore their own needs by focusing on others

5. Chaotic (Controller and Victim)
Home Environment
• Parents have addictions, mental illness, or are completely absent
• Children are in constant terror
• Parents have high stress levels and need to control children
• Often abuse, marital discord, physical violence, and divorce
• Children can’t predict what comes next; can’t learn how to deal with tension
• Children often play out trauma with their toys and games
• Learn to dissociate and go someplace else in their minds
• Always anxious; sleep disturbances, nightmares, bedwetting
• High risk for substance abuse, sexual activity, high risk behaviors

As Adults
• Difficulty remembering childhood & can’t sympathize with the child they once were
• Report sad events with no emotion, or maybe laughter
• Can’t tolerate emotion in others
• High levels of stress are normal; need intensity for any sort of connection
• Needs were neglected, so they can’t take care of their own needs or anyone else’s

The Controller (chaotic)
• Children that are born strong tend to fight back and control others, often with anger
• Feel threatened by a spouse’s other relationships
• Don’t take being questioned very well
• Quickly blame others for their own actions
• Highly critical of others and often degrades family members
• Main defense is anger
• Often move on to abuse their own children

The Victim (chaotic)
• More passive children tend to detach from situations and become invisible
• Avoid conflict at all costs
• Deny that life is terrible and rationalize abuse
• Believe they are at fault and unlovable
• They would rather be abused than be alone
• Usually they are depressed, often living in numb detachment
• They comply with their spouse’s every demand to be safe
• Never speak about any abuse because of the fear of the spouse
• They often have a lot of physical conditions as stress affects their bodies

Although all of these love styles are destructive to our relationships, there are ways and strategies to overcome them and to be healthy again. The remainder of “How We Love” reviews some common duos; which love styles tend to marry each other and the ways these styles play out in marriages. It also goes over some techniques and strategies of change. If you struggle in your relationships, I would encourage you to read the book, and perhaps seek professional counseling. You don’t have to be stuck in the same destructive patters and be miserable for the rest of your life. There is hope.

I love my job, but I know to many people work is a real drag.  (past blog on Learned Optimism) Some days at work are easier to enjoy than others. Friday morning is usually at least 5 times more enjoyable than Monday morning, for example. Some days, it’s easy for 8 hours to go by and not notice. Other days, each minute ticking by seems to take an hour. There will always be ups and downs at work day by day, week by week, and month by month. But there are some small things we can do to help make the down days not quite so bad.

1.  Decide to enjoy work:  It may sound cheesy, but a positive attitude can have a huge effect on how much we enjoy our work. If we sit there thinking “I’m bored,” “I hate my job,” or “Is it time to go home yet?” the days will drag by, we’ll be less productive, we’ll go home and continue to complain about work, and we’ll wake up the next morning and go through the same thing all over again. So why not make a mental effort to change our attitude and think positively about our work?  With that decision made, we can stop watching the clock, we may have something nice to say when we go home, and we wake up expecting better results in the morning.

2.  Challenge yourself:  I have news for you, you don’t work for someone else – everyone works for themselves.  Most people sit around waiting for someone to tell them what to do but you don’t have to settle for “good enough” in your work.  Of course we’ll be bored with just doing enough to get by and not get into trouble with our boss.  If we meet just meet our quota, or just make a deadline…sure, we passed. But why not set some higher goals for ourselves? Why not push our abilities and try to do more and do better. Nobody is going to complain if you get a project done ahead of schedule, or do a little extra business. Set up some weekly or monthly goals and push yourself to achieve them; I’d call that exciting, not boring.

3.  Be a people person:  Some of us are forced to work with people. Some of us avoid people altogether. But people are what make life so interesting. Spend some time getting to know your co workers. You spend a good chunk of time with them, so why not try to get to know them as actual people with real interests? This can give you something to think about and talk about other than work. Who knows, you might make a friend!

4. Have a sense of humor: No matter where we work, there is something to laugh at. Spend some time observing your workplace and the people around you. People do some hilarious things when they think no one is watching. You don’t have to spread rumors or gossip with what you see, just keep it to yourself. Laughter can lighten almost any mood.

5.  Make a comfortable work space: This is especially important if you’re sitting at a desk all day. Maybe this would involve actually organizing your workspace (strange concept, I know). Maybe it means getting a new chair with lumbar support so your back doesn’t ache. Maybe take your shoes off (be careful with this one) and relaxing. If you’re outside, maybe try to find some shade in the summer, or a heater in the winter. If your body is uncomfortable, it’s hard to feel positive about work.

6.  Have an adventure!:  Don’t get stuck in a rut! Try some new things. Don’t go overboard and completely overwhelm yourself, but take it one thing at a time. You might dislike some things, but you may find something you truly enjoy doing. Maybe brainstorm about a project you would really enjoy, take the initiative, and propose the project to your employer. Who knows what could happen?

7.  Ask for feedback:  A lot of us get reviews during the year, where we are told what we did well and what we need to work on. You don’t have to wait for these dreaded reviews. Actively pursue feedback, especially positive feedback. Ask your employer for a short one on one meeting; positive feedback almost automatically makes us feel better about ourselves and our work.

8.  Play Music:  If your company allows it, play some music in your workspace. Make sure it’s appropriate and not loud or distracting, but check what your company policies are and go for it. Most of us enjoy some tunes whenever we can get them.

9.  Socialize outside of work:  Most of us live two separate lives: Work and home. They are completely cut off from one another. If work interferes with home, our families get upset. If home interferes with work, our employer gets upset. Why not bring the two a little bit closer, and ask some coworkers out to dinner some night? If you become friends with those you work with, it can make work a lot more enjoyable. You’ll have someone to go to lunch with be able to talk about something other than work.

10.  Have fun!:  If you’re comfortable with where you work, and develop relationships with coworkers, work can be a lot more enjoyable. So have fun; inside office jokes, funny (appropriate) stories, just something that isn’t work can really help the way you feel about your work. Why not actually have fun at the place where you spend so much of your time?

DC

This blog is often used to promote great books, articles, magazines, audiobooks, etc. that have made an impact in my life.  Many people never picked up a love for books or reading or feel they don’t have the time to do so.  However,  it’s never too late to start reading and to find the time to be a learner.

Here’s a few past blogs on reading material: click here and click here

Credit for pushing me into reading goes to my father, Stuart.  When we were young he would read books to us and I would often see him reading a book.  Then when when I was in Jr. High, he decided to get rid of the family television.  (he insists it was a moral decision, but my brother and I suspect he just didn’t want to replace the old broken TV- this is a family debate still ongoing)  Left without a TV, I read more than most teenagers.

So how to you get started?  When I ask my staff and friends if they read I’ll often get the following responses:

Here’s a quote from the book The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran that I’ve always loved.  It is all about what perspective we parents should have in raising our children.  I think of it often when raising my two boys.  It’s been a great encouragement to me:

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

and though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

for they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer’s hand be for Gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies, so He loves also the bow that is stable.